GI Leprechauns
by caffinated-chipmunk
Summary: An SG team runs into a new race and John and his team have to go in to back them up.


John and Ronan stood on the edge of Atlantis looking out over the huge expanse of ocean. There was a plastic hula-hoop on the ground in front of them, and a pile of yard darts next to them.

"It's simple," John said as he tried for the third time to explain the rules of yard darts to Ronan. "Just throw the dart at the circle. If it lands in the circle, that's a point. If it lands in the circle and bounces out, no point. First person to five points wins."

"Throw the dart at the circle. Got it. Can we go now?"

"Sure. You go first."

Ronan took the dart from John and hurled it at the circle. The dart struck the ground in the middle of the circle and bounced high into the air. After several seconds John gave up looking for it.

"My turn now," he said, turning to Ronan. There was a splash behind him and he stopped wondering about the dart. He picked up his dart, aimed carefully, and let fly at the circle. The dart bounced once and landed in the middle of the circle.

"How'd you do that?" Ronan asked.

"An entire childhood of practice."

"Oh. I spent my childhood gunning down wraith."

"That explains a lot."

They played several more games. John won them all with a perfect score, and couldn't help thinking about the 'whales' that would be feasting on Ronan's darts tonight. Then his radio crackled from his vest in the corner, and he went over to pick it up. Ronan picked up another dart, and again there was a splash as their yard dart inventory was decreased by one.

"Sheppard."

"John, its Elizabeth."

"Oh, hi. What can I do for you?"

"I need you and your team in the briefing room as soon as possible."

"Ok, I'll be there as soon as I can."

John turned the dial on top of the radio to change the channel.

"Teyla. Rodney. Elizabeth needs us in the briefing room ASAP."

"We will meet you there," Teyla answered him, as Rodney was undoubtedly fiddling with some high-tech gadget he had found in a remote part of the city.

He put the radio back and slung his vest over his shoulder. "Come on, Ronan. Elizabeth wants us in the briefing room."

"Yeah, I heard. Be right there."

John headed for the door. There was a buzz and a flash of red light. John didn't need to turn around to know that, courtesy of Ronan, there was a lot of ash in the ocean instead of a yard dart.

The Atlantic version of SG-1 sat in a semi-circle around the half-moon briefing room table.

"On their recent mission to M17-960 Major Smithfield's team discovered a reconnaissance team of what they have colorfully described as GI-Leprechauns."

"Please tell me you didn't say what I think you just said," Rodney said.

"That depends on what you thought I just said. If you think I just said that Major Smithfield's team discovered a reconnaissance team of GI-Leprechauns, you're right. They were on their way back to the Stargate. The report says that Major Smithfield and his team took cover behind some trees and waited for the Leprechauns to pass by. Major Smithfield says they were traditional Leprechauns, green clothes, green top-hats, and about two feet tall."

"Did he say whether or not they were armed?" John asked without bothering to raise his hand.

"If you count a wooden club as armed, then yes."

"So... Are we going to be besieged by Lucky the Leprechaun and his band of merry munchkins?"

"It's not quite that simple. They know how to operate the Stargate, and it was under guard. Major Smithfield had to knock three of them out just to get home."

"I'm just going to assume that's a bad thing." Rodney said.

"Well, Major Smithfield and his team ambushed an alien race, took three of them out of action, and escaped through the Stargate without even showing them their passports. Yeah, it's bad." John said before Elizabeth could take a breath.

"Why do all the bad things happen to me?" asked Rodney.

"So what do you want us to do about it?" John asked, turning back to Elizabeth.

"Take yours and Major Smithfield's team back to the planet and make contact. If they come at you with their clubs, I suggest you run."

"You make it sound like six-inch long wooden sticks are a major problem."

"I wouldn't, if Captain Arnold wasn't down in the infirmary with a concussion and a broken wrist."

"Point taken."

John stepped out of the gate and onto a new planet. He was closely followed by his and Major Smithfield's teams. They formed a tight semi-circle around the gate and surveyed the area for any Leprechauns that might be on guard. There were none. There was a soft thump behind them, and they all whirled around to face a single Leprechaun. It stood there and studied them for a second, then smiled. John stared at it, and then he realized something. He spun on his heel to face the other way, only to be confronted by another fifty Leprechauns all armed with vicious looking clubs.

"Well, this could be a problem."

"What could?" asked the first Leprechaun.

"Well... Let's just say we want to keep looking just the way we do for a while yet."

"I don't see how that presents a problem; actually I believe it to be very natural behavior."

"Yes, it's natural behavior. The fact that you're armed doesn't do anything to help that particular instinct."

"Armed? Oh, you mean our Bookah bats. We were just getting ready to start a game, and we thought you might want to join us, so we came to meet you."

"What's Bookah?"

The Leprechaun was about to respond, but Teyla got there first: "It's a game; roughly the same as your baseball, but everything is smaller."

"What is baseball?" The Leprechaun asked.

"It is much like Bookah ball, but everything is bigger," Teyla answered.

"Ok, now that we know each other's pastimes, what's your name? Assuming you have one," John said still not relaxing his trigger finger.

"My name is Lunatic Larry the Leprechaun, but you can call me Larry."

"Larry?"

"That's what I just said." Larry turned to Rodney and lowered his voice, "Is it just me, or is he not very bright?"

"You can not believe the amount of times I've been asked that question."

"Well, Larry, you say this game's much like baseball," said John missing the exchange entirely.

"I did not say it, this one did." He said gesturing to Teyla. "For that matter, what are your names?"

"What? Oh, I'm John, and this is Teyla, Ronan, Rodney, Major Smithfield, Captain Andrews, and Lieutenant Baker."

"Interesting names, John and Rodney are O.K. But I've never heard of names like Major, or Captain."

"Those are their ranks. Their names are Smithfield, Andrews, and Baker."

"Oh, I understand. Now, about the Bookah ball game, would you like to play?"

"No, I think we'll pass this round."

"Suit yourself. Farewell John, Rodney, Teyla, Ronan, Smithfield, Andrews, and Baker."

"Wait, farewell?"

"Yes, we are going to play Bookah ball, and we can't exactly play it in the middle of the forest now, can we?"

"Oh, well I guess that makes sense."

"Yes it does, now, farewell John, Rod-"

"Whoa, hold on, I said we wouldn't play, I didn't say we wouldn't come watch you play. I'd like to learn a little bit about this 'Bookah ball'."

"Ok, this way," said Larry heading off into the forest.

John, Rodney, Teyla, and Ronan sat in the briefing room several hours later discussing the mission. So far, there had been a heated discussion between John and Rodney as to whether or not Lunatic Larry the Leprechaun and his friends made and tested cookies in a laboratory made out of a tree.

"—so then Lunatic Larry the Leprechaun invited us over to watch some Bookah ball, then we all trooped over to the Cloud-Side Buffet and had some nice sky food for dinner."

Elizabeth turned to Rodney with raised eyebrows "You're sure they didn't put anything in his food when you weren't looking?" she said.

"No," said Rodney.

"No what, they didn't put anything in his food or you didn't notice them putting something in his food?"

"Both."

"How can it be both?"

"By me not noticing them drugging his food."

"But if you didn't notice them doing it how do you know they did it at all?"

"Hello! smartest man in the Pegasus galaxy."

"Rodney, have you met every single person in the galaxy?" Ronan asked.

"No, but what does that have to do with the Leprechauns putting drugs in John's food?"

"If you haven't met every person in the galaxy, how can you be certain that you are smarter than all of them?" Teyla asked.

"Touché."

"Touché?" Teyla and Ronan asked simultaneously.

"You got me."

"When?" asked Ronan.

"No, that's what 'Touché means."

"Oh."

"Are you two finished?" asked Elizabeth.

"Yes," Rodney and Ronan answered together.

"Good. Now, do I have to lock out the Leprechaun home world or not?"

"Antileto."

"John Sheppard, I swear to god I'm never letting you go back to that planet."

"No, that's the name of the Leprechaun home world: Antileto."

"Oh."

"Well, does it need to be locked out of the dialing computer or not?"

"No, they're good guys."

"Ok, good. Now, I want every one of you down to the infirmary for some more extensive examinations, and don't forget to tell Carson to check your brains and make sure they're in working order."

"Yes, Ma'am," came the reply.

"Dismissed," she said, already half way to the door, _I need coffee,_ she thought to herself.


End file.
